so!

it's been a while guys, i haven't blogged in some time.

just thought i would drop in and let you guys know that i'm alive and kicking.

my life couldn't be more sorted out and smooth going right now.

wedding is in 3 weeks, AHHH!

so stressed, so so stressed. but, i'll be alright.

if you guys need to contact me, you can email me at

lyndsey.perry@myvenustech.com

miss you!

well, i have been stressed to the max these days but i guess that comes along with moving into your own place right? i'm just worried about making bills on time.. and a lot.

the boyfriend did a horrible deed. was basically dating another girl while him and i were together. so thats got me me all fucked up and what not. people think im crazy for still being with him. maybe i am fuck it. and the whole family drama thing. my uncle is going through his divorce and his ex wife happens to be a psycho. she went to my mom's house and killed my fucking rotweiler. thats bullshit, srsly. and now i just cant sleep without feeling she's watching me.. or standing in my room in t he dark. maybe im crazy.. who knows? i thought i would drop in and say hi to all of my shoutpost buddies and keep you guys informed.. and let you know im alive.. just hella busy. KEEP IN TOUCH! 

ok so. im worried sick about my him. hes been sick lately with kidney pains
and stuff.. just.. not good things.. and im at my moms.. and i left him by
himself so i could go shopping with my mom and sister in law today.. and i accidently
took his phone with me.
well. he told me he was going to go to his friend Steve's.. and he'd call me
when he got there.. he hasnt called. and this was hours ago.. im WORRIED..
i dont have steve's number.. so i cant call.. i called his friend Kat to see if she had
seen him.. and she said no.. she said she hasnt talked to him since he was at
his hotel.. which.. is weird.. because i didnt know he got a hotel? which
has me being completely suspicious at this point. i dont know what to do..
i cant exactly go hunting for him.. were in San Antonio.
i wish he would just call me or something. i dont know. im going out of my mind..
ahh.

everyone just disreguard this blog.. im just venting; worried sick.

blah okay. so. we're stuck in St. Louis tonight. We were here last night... and we were supposed to leave this morning.. as you see, that didn't happen. don't know if i've mentioned it before but the boy toy of mine is a truck driver.. and we were set to pick up some Hershey Candys and deliver them to Temple Texas.. so we could have some home time in San Antonio Texas.. WELL. the stupid warehouse workers in Hershey loaded the trailor wrong.. so.. we were overweight.. and we're only allowed a certain amount of weight on each axle.. and we were over like.. 600 lbs or so.. so, we had to go back to tell them to correct it.. and just rearrange the load so that we don't get arrested for it.. yeaaah. well, they won't be there until 7am tomorrow.. which means we sleep here. YIPEE. this town sucks, butt. other than that.. we are trying for a baby! yeah, i'm excited. he already has three girls.. i have none.. but.. i want some.. like millions of them, haha. i love kids. tons. we are also in this super long process of getting our house.. its so long.. i hate it. i just want to go POOF welcome home. im tired of being in the truck and traveling.. i know its nice to go everywhere and what not.. im just tired of having to hold my bladder until we can find a restroom.. and then.. waiting in line everyday to shower.. and then.. having limited clotbing because of closet space. its just a little more than what i am willing to deal with anymore. i realize ive written a long blog.. and i doubt anyones gotten to this point.. so.. ill let you go. :) h ave a good night.. and sorry for boring some of you. :P BYE. 

ahh. more of it, ya know?

i hvent posted in a little while.. and i was dropped down on hot blogs.

so i figured i'd step it up a little bit.. and keep you guys informed.

right now, we're in Amarillo.. headed up to Wisconsin. CHEESE STATE.

my brother just had their baby. i have a picture and a video on my myspace.

if you guys ever decide to check it out/add me.

i will probably add the picture of me and my nephew on here. so look for it.

uhh. just everything is okay, i guess. i go home march 10th or something.

i think im getting sick, it sucks. :( my sickness lasts a little longer than average people/

cancer = weak immune systems. yayyy.

uhh, the ex's one year death ann. went by.. i did good. :) didnt even think about it, h onestly.

valentines day... yeah.. okay.. but.. there was one drag down.. wont go there. blahh.

well. message me or whatever you guys would like. i swear ill respond. 

[focus].. this is a real touchy thing.. something i've never really honest to god ever talked about.. to anyone. so, prepare yourself for emotions.

Dear Jerry,[my "him.]

I know t hese past couple of days i've been real low down in the dumps.. and I swear theres an explanation

you know parts of it, tiny pieces. things.. most no one knows about. I hate to hide it from you, but at the sane time

i hate to burden you with it. It's something that kills me.. it hurts.. im not over it.. im not ready to be. i dont want to be,

So, i'll tell you the whole background of the story..

I was with Carlos for.. two years.. maybe a little under or a little over.. im not too sure anymore. i try to forget about it. he was the one guy in my life then that i thought was going tobe the only one..then i wouldnt even see myself in the position i am in today. things with him were excelllent to start off we were inseperable.. and it was a nice relationship.. i dont think i could ever build with anyone else. not one that good.. and well standed. we got along.. i wasnt insecure.. and i trusted.. which hurt me the most. towards the end of the relationship.. we werent seeing each other as much.. he just didnt come around.. and he made excuses.. and.. i kept telling him i was getting fed up.. didnt phase his decisions one bit.. i caught him cheating.. so in return i hurt him t he same.. i cheated on  him.. i fucked it up. from then on.. it was hell. i never knew what i ever did wrong to him.. to make him leave me like that.. to make him want to just.. find someone else.. i thought that we were okay.. i never knew what i could have done differently to help the relationship.. the one i wanted all along. the one i never ran away from.. and i emphuziased the importance of Valentine's day to him.. and he PROMISED me.. he made me believe him.. he sounded sincere.. and i believed every bit of every lie he told me.. i trusted he'd be there. all i asked for v-day was to be with him, no money, nobody else,, no corny gifts... just his time.. [because i didnt ever have it anymore.] V-day comes around.. i hear nothing.. all day.. so at about 10pm i call him over and over again on my  house phone.. no answer.. and i had recently  got a new cell phone that day.. or the day before.. i dont remember.. and he didnt know the number yet.. so i gave up on him.. i decided to have better plans of.. GROCERY shopping to do.. because my mom was in Houston nursing my uncle.. because his crazy wife decided to hit him with a car.. so.. on my way to wal mart.. i call.. from the number he didnt recognize.. HE ANSWERS. i was so upset.. that he was avoiding me.. and i hung up on him.. did my grocery shopping.. with all that thinking i had.. i kept thinking.. of what im doing wrong.. why am i not good enough for him.. why cant he just be honest with me.. why would he do this to me.. i had no idea.. i call him when i got home.. didnt even put groceries away.. just immediately called him.. i didn't want his lies. i didnt want an explanation.. not anymore.. i was tired of it.. and i just.. gave up on him, i hated him at that point.. for all he did to me.. so much stuff he's done to me.. i wont even go into detail about.. a lot of CRAP. so, then it was declared "THE END" with him.. but.. i've done that with him before.. and.. i always ran back to him.. i loved him.. i still do. i couldnt do that this time.. 4 days after valentines day.. i was the first to know of his accident. my number was the only information he had in his wallet.. my new cell number.. i felt like the most evil person in the world.. i felt so horrible to have hated him so m uch.. i felt completely dead inside.. ic ouldnt even show up at his funeral.. i know people would just look at me with disgust.. i was just that.. a disgusting person.. who couldnt forgive and forget anything.  i still feel like that bad person.. and ive never been better from it.. i just can't get over it. here it is almost a y ear later.. and its KILLING me. I know you and Colin both tell me i need to get over it.. that i should get over him.. but i just cant.. im not ready to let him go.. i feel like everything is still unresolved.. i mean.. what if he had good reason to leave me alone on v-day what if there were things i just didnt know about but i was too fucking self concerned and stubborn to hear it?.. and here i am today with you.. that same  horrible person.

but, these past couple of days.. i just.. keep thinking.. that i want to push you away.. to just.. let

this all go.. so, i don't have to be that horrible person to you.. so that i wont let you die hating me. so that

in your grave you wont have reason to hate him. so, i can know that you are forgetting about me.. and it 

doesnt matter.  i dont want to see you die in the position we are in together now.. so insecure.. and so

jealous of each other. and each others friends.. and me being so fucking suspicious of you. and who youre

talking to. its NOT healthy, to be like that to you. to each other. i actually gave you a decision of me or your

friend, Emmie. That's bad. thats never been like me.. i dont know why im this way.. the only thing i can

think of is Carlos.. is the past with him.. and not being over everything.. and not regaining trust for anyone.

i cant do relationships at all.. im horrible at it.. i cant be your wife like this.  i cant hold on to all my insecurities

and marry you.. thats not going to last like that. i know you miss your friends.. and you miss talking to them

and you miss having them around.. and i soley base that on me, thats my fault. i cant  do that to you.

every time emmie calls.. or you call her.. i just get so jealous.. and i keep putting all those puzzl;e pieces

together.. the ones that builds this picture of you finding someone better than me. 

i still love him, i always will. but that could never stop me from loving you more than that.

-Lyndsey 

i have lots to talk about.. just dont want to.

so, look forward to a post soon..

[somewhere around v-day.. or right after.] 

Seems as if life continues..
no one honestly catches a break, I've learned. Aunt dies.. another one is sent into a coma.
Still not talking to my father. Still was never any services for my aunt because
my uncle's grudge is much more important than his widow's death wishes. evil.
Searching for homes with my boyfriend.. right move? let's hope. We have been at each other's throat
with a lot of stuff.. and been trying to figure some things out.. and. i don't know
if they are figured out.. but.. working on it?
I went to Dave and Buster's the other night. AHH. nice/horrible/fun/exciting/exhausting night.
Didn't think all those could be together, huh? haha.
First. we get there.. and are playing games.. all the flashy lights kind of.. threw me for a whirl wind.
then.. we were waiting for.. the other. "swingers" to show up. [it was a meet and greet.]..
and, took about an hour or so for all of us to finally get together. WELL.
my best friend's family.. happened to be there.. wasn't quite sure of whether or not they
were there for the swingers meet.. or .. for their own personal reasons.. so i was
skating on thin ice for about 2 hours. it was insane.
but turns out.. it was a personal deal for them. my best friend's dad goes back to Iraq .today.. i believe..
so, i'm sure it was a get out and have fun thing for them.
Met some interesting couples. got phone numbers.. and.. emails and what not.. looking forward to some more action
when the boyfriend gets back in town. he leaves tomorrow. ("_) oh well.
It's kind of upsetting.. i wanted to go back out with him.. and just.. be with him.. he was
still debating the issue in his head.. i hated it. I was.. sitting on fire for these past couple of days.
but.. kind of good/bad news.. my sister in law is about to have her baby.. and she needs someone to
cover her position at the newspaper.. until March. so, i'll be doing the layout design of our newspaper..
until March. So, no going back out with him.
I hate when he.. is still debating things in his head. but.. outside.. to me.. hes telling me..
certainty of things. I'll learn to get over it, like i do a lot of things.

Oh well. I'm sure i'm missing a lot of things on my mind, so.. you guys can look forward to reading more
crap from my end.
I'm tired of thinking.





(",)

no seriously.. i did. it was AMAZING!.. me and the boyfriend have been talking about swinging for quite a while a now.. and we made it happen last night with a very cute couple.. and.. nice too. I could see future hookups with them again. it was a quick.. in and out procedure.. but.. considering our time strains.. we did alright. it was AWESOME.

[dont be freaked out]

but it was just fun that like.. my boyfriend and the other girl got done with their little ruitine.. but me and the other guy.. were still going at it.. wellllll. my boyfriend decided to hop on the bed next to my head... and allow me to give him oral. IT WAS HOT. and then the girl he screwed.. was like.. rubbing all up on me. omg. WAS I IN HEAVEN.. mind you.. that guy it still... screwing.my.brains.out.

INTERESINTG? ....yes.

most definetely worth it all.

then the boyfriend and i.. went back to our little home.. and.. made woopy.. over and over again. then waking up,. and making rabbits of ourselves.

i recommend.. ORGIES ALL THE TIME. 

GRR. I seriously can't. Too much drama.. WELL. Yesterday I spent allll day with the boyfriend.. and since my brother are all RAWR with him right now.. he decided to buy them a Kelly Clarkson calendar to fight over, lol. i think that helped.. but the assholes still didnt stop with the nasty comments about him. theres nothing really wrong with the guy.. i over exagurate a lot of stuff.. and i get moody.. it comes with the pregnant part of me.. what can i say? lol. but.. he honestly.. makes me happy.. and does whatever he can to please me. he takes care of me.. what do they want from him.. riches? oh well. my dad is moving closer to us.. since my brothers wife is having her baby.. that doesnt make me too comfortable. im not liking my dad too much these days.. hes the one who started all this bullshit drama. my aunt isnt having any sort of funeral services.. because her husband insists in letting his pride ruin everything.. hes still persistant on his rugid attitude and horrid drama towards our family... we never did anything to him. he wouldnt even allow us to visit her in the hospital.. but you know what?.. we were the ones nursing her when she was sick from the cancer.. we were the ones.. giving her everything she needed.. while he was in iraq.. the least he could do.. was show us a little fucking appreciation for that. as of now.. im still homeless.. jobless.. and carless.. its not a wonderful feeling, at all. its got me completely stressed out.. COMPLETELY. oh well.

Ahh, what a hectic week.
First. Got into an argument with the boyfriend.. and ended up crying..
and calling my dad of all fucking people. He over exagurates the situation
and makes up some phony story about how my boyfriend was beating me and
that i have bruises all over me.. and my brothers should kick his ass.
Um, okay. dad..?.. i know how to defend myself. and if it DID happen..
i would be more than willing to let my brothers attack the sorry bastard..
BUT.. it didn;t happen. no bruises on me, nothing. but yet.. my brothers
keep insisting on being complete pricks about it. hurting me along the way.
fuck it.
Second.i might be pregnant. it wouldnt be too much of a bad thing.. but..
he doesn't seem so enthused about it.. like i am. hes had three daughters.. all
of which got ripped away from him.. so i understand but.. TRUST ME, MAYBE?! whatever
my mom got the urine test for me.. ill take that first.. and for second measures..
ill go to my friends clinic.. and she said shed give me a free blood test.
Third. my aunt just passed away, from cancer. its devestating.. i always told her
that i would go visit her soon.. and i put everything else in front of it. i
didnt prioritize it.. it hurts. and then to hear my dad say about her passing..
"its just another day, people day everyday.. ill probably be next".. is bullshit..
this is his sister. his parents are already dead.. how the hell?
Fourth. im lonely.
Fifth. my boyfriend is a cheater. :|
Sixth. im just not happy at the moment.