[focus].. this is a real touchy thing.. something i've never really honest to god ever talked about.. to anyone. so, prepare yourself for emotions.

Dear Jerry,[my "him.]

I know t hese past couple of days i've been real low down in the dumps.. and I swear theres an explanation

you know parts of it, tiny pieces. things.. most no one knows about. I hate to hide it from you, but at the sane time

i hate to burden you with it. It's something that kills me.. it hurts.. im not over it.. im not ready to be. i dont want to be,

So, i'll tell you the whole background of the story..

I was with Carlos for.. two years.. maybe a little under or a little over.. im not too sure anymore. i try to forget about it. he was the one guy in my life then that i thought was going tobe the only one..then i wouldnt even see myself in the position i am in today. things with him were excelllent to start off we were inseperable.. and it was a nice relationship.. i dont think i could ever build with anyone else. not one that good.. and well standed. we got along.. i wasnt insecure.. and i trusted.. which hurt me the most. towards the end of the relationship.. we werent seeing each other as much.. he just didnt come around.. and he made excuses.. and.. i kept telling him i was getting fed up.. didnt phase his decisions one bit.. i caught him cheating.. so in return i hurt him t he same.. i cheated on  him.. i fucked it up. from then on.. it was hell. i never knew what i ever did wrong to him.. to make him leave me like that.. to make him want to just.. find someone else.. i thought that we were okay.. i never knew what i could have done differently to help the relationship.. the one i wanted all along. the one i never ran away from.. and i emphuziased the importance of Valentine's day to him.. and he PROMISED me.. he made me believe him.. he sounded sincere.. and i believed every bit of every lie he told me.. i trusted he'd be there. all i asked for v-day was to be with him, no money, nobody else,, no corny gifts... just his time.. [because i didnt ever have it anymore.] V-day comes around.. i hear nothing.. all day.. so at about 10pm i call him over and over again on my  house phone.. no answer.. and i had recently  got a new cell phone that day.. or the day before.. i dont remember.. and he didnt know the number yet.. so i gave up on him.. i decided to have better plans of.. GROCERY shopping to do.. because my mom was in Houston nursing my uncle.. because his crazy wife decided to hit him with a car.. so.. on my way to wal mart.. i call.. from the number he didnt recognize.. HE ANSWERS. i was so upset.. that he was avoiding me.. and i hung up on him.. did my grocery shopping.. with all that thinking i had.. i kept thinking.. of what im doing wrong.. why am i not good enough for him.. why cant he just be honest with me.. why would he do this to me.. i had no idea.. i call him when i got home.. didnt even put groceries away.. just immediately called him.. i didn't want his lies. i didnt want an explanation.. not anymore.. i was tired of it.. and i just.. gave up on him, i hated him at that point.. for all he did to me.. so much stuff he's done to me.. i wont even go into detail about.. a lot of CRAP. so, then it was declared "THE END" with him.. but.. i've done that with him before.. and.. i always ran back to him.. i loved him.. i still do. i couldnt do that this time.. 4 days after valentines day.. i was the first to know of his accident. my number was the only information he had in his wallet.. my new cell number.. i felt like the most evil person in the world.. i felt so horrible to have hated him so m uch.. i felt completely dead inside.. ic ouldnt even show up at his funeral.. i know people would just look at me with disgust.. i was just that.. a disgusting person.. who couldnt forgive and forget anything.  i still feel like that bad person.. and ive never been better from it.. i just can't get over it. here it is almost a y ear later.. and its KILLING me. I know you and Colin both tell me i need to get over it.. that i should get over him.. but i just cant.. im not ready to let him go.. i feel like everything is still unresolved.. i mean.. what if he had good reason to leave me alone on v-day what if there were things i just didnt know about but i was too fucking self concerned and stubborn to hear it?.. and here i am today with you.. that same  horrible person.

but, these past couple of days.. i just.. keep thinking.. that i want to push you away.. to just.. let

this all go.. so, i don't have to be that horrible person to you.. so that i wont let you die hating me. so that

in your grave you wont have reason to hate him. so, i can know that you are forgetting about me.. and it 

doesnt matter.  i dont want to see you die in the position we are in together now.. so insecure.. and so

jealous of each other. and each others friends.. and me being so fucking suspicious of you. and who youre

talking to. its NOT healthy, to be like that to you. to each other. i actually gave you a decision of me or your

friend, Emmie. That's bad. thats never been like me.. i dont know why im this way.. the only thing i can

think of is Carlos.. is the past with him.. and not being over everything.. and not regaining trust for anyone.

i cant do relationships at all.. im horrible at it.. i cant be your wife like this.  i cant hold on to all my insecurities

and marry you.. thats not going to last like that. i know you miss your friends.. and you miss talking to them

and you miss having them around.. and i soley base that on me, thats my fault. i cant  do that to you.

every time emmie calls.. or you call her.. i just get so jealous.. and i keep putting all those puzzl;e pieces

together.. the ones that builds this picture of you finding someone better than me. 

i still love him, i always will. but that could never stop me from loving you more than that.

-Lyndsey